Walking the Narrow Path

I was fortunate enough to grow up in a Christian home where my parents taught me Christian values and I attended Sunday School, Church and mid-week Christian activities that gave me an excellent foundation. I was 8 years old when I gave my life to Jesus. It was a Billy Graham conference held in the Princes Theatre in Clacton on Sea in 1989, I think it was on the big screen from London, but I really don’t remember those details.

All through my school life I was unafraid of sharing my faith, I was involved in Christian Unions and started taking Sunday Schools and youth groups when I was still a teen myself, but I was committed and all in. A few weeks before my 18th birthday my Dad suddenly died from a heart attack and my world shook. I am the oldest of 4 and I took my older sister role seriously, stepping up and into my Dad’s shoes as best I could to be there for my Mum and my brothers and sister. My Dad had been a deacon in our church for most of my life and a few years later I decided to step into his shoes in this area too and was elected when I was around 20 years old.

I served in the church for a number of years, however when the pastor retired and a new one was appointed I discovered that I had been naive in thinking that all pastors were infallible. I went through a very difficult time in the church and simultaneously one of my brothers was going through cancer treatment so I was travelling frequently into London to visit him. This was the first time my faith in God was seriously rocked. Collectively as a church and by myself as one of the leaders in the church we had prayed so hard for the right person to come to pastor the church and everything had felt so right, until suddenly it went so wrong. I tried to fix things, but ended up getting blamed for the issues. I was devastated and walked away from the church. Whilst I didn’t stop believing in God, I thought perhaps he wasn’t so interested in the details. I was around 28 at this point and single, I had dated a few people, but no one long term and I had been praying for a husband since my teens. I decided if I wanted to get married and have a family then I would need to go out there and make it happen myself, because I was now convinced that God wasn’t that involved in the details.

I met someone and despite all my previous principles, I no longer valued myself or believed God cared about the details, so I moved in with him after 3 months and about a year later we got married. Right from the beginning things weren’t right, but I was desperate to be married and have a family and this man was willing and said he loved me, so I didn’t listen to the little voice inside. Not long after we got married I found out that he had a pornography addiction and when I say addiction, it wasn’t an occasional viewing, it was every day and he couldn’t stop. He worked shifts and had kept it from me for some time, but when I found out I was devastated. My own self-confidence, which wasn’t good anyway hit an all time low. I tried to help him and support him dealing with it like the addiction it was and I thought things were getting better.

We started attending church together and I convinced myself that everything was ok. He was doing a pornography addiction course to break the habit and seemed to be doing well. Then when I was having some physical discomfort and joked that it wasn’t like he would have given me an STI all I got back was an awkward silence. It never crossed my mind that he would cheat on me, just wasn’t on my radar, but he admitted he had been sleeping with other people. It wasn’t even people he was interested in, he had been paying for it and built up quite a substantial debt. I was in shock, I was devastated and my self-worth sank even lower. I felt that I was so worthless that my husband would rather pay someone to be with him than to be with me. I felt like I was being punished for my previous choices and there was an element of ‘you’ve made your bed, now you will lie in it’. My marriage vows meant something to me and after a few weeks of him living with his parents, I tried to forgive and move on. I tried really hard and again convinced myself for a short while that we could get through it, but I had no self-worth and he didn’t really feel he had done anything wrong and after another year when it became apparent to me that he hadn’t changed at all, we ended it and I filed for divorce. We had been married for 6 years and not much of it had been happy. Doing it my way hadn’t got me the husband and family I had been longing for. Not long after this I sat in my car with Radio 2 on crying and I suddenly just prayed ‘God I don’t know what to do, I am so scared about the future’. Immediately I heard on the radio ‘She is clothed in strength and dignity and she laughs without fear of the future’. Radio 2 was doing a thought of the day and the words were from Proverbs 31 v 25.

Did I learn though, of course not. I was a broken person feeling worthless and looking for someone to validate me. I still believed in God, but still wasn’t convinced he was interested in the details and certainly not for such a worthless person like me. I dated a bit and then found someone else who said the right things and made me feel something and I rushed straight in. He was only around at the weekends as he worked away most of the week and that suited me fine. He had a couple of adult children and a 12 year old who would stay with us every other weekend as a minimum. I loved being step mum and planning outings and activities and for 3 years I convinced myself I was happy and had what I wanted. At this time I started attending a church sometimes as I was really missing my previous relationship with God, but still not quite ready to admit it. When covid hit in 2020 and my partner was no longer away during the week and we were living with each other all the time, I had to admit that it was not what I wanted. We were both broken people and our insecurities were just causing more harm to each other, so after 3 years together we mutually decided to end it.

I moved back to Clacton and into a ground floor flat in the same road as my Mum and sister and started attending my previous church. At this time there was a new pastor who was older and seemed really nice and there weren’t that many people who had been there before. My housing situation wasn’t great as the two flats above had difficult tenants, but I stayed there for 2 years, attending church every week and praying I could be in a position to buy my own house, whilst saving as much as possible towards the deposit.

During that 2 years I repaired my relationship with God, I discovered that he is interested in the details and he loves me, even when I feel unloveable. I learnt a lot about myself and whilst I know some of my past decisions weren’t the best, all the things I have been through have given me the experience and teaching to make me a better person today. I resonate with Joseph in the Bible when he says ‘you meant it for evil, but God meant it for good’. The pastor of my church then retired and I was apprehensive about what might happen, however the church went through a period of having no pastor and I found that the confidence and skills I had learnt in presenting to teams and dealing with people in my job, enabled me to transfer those skills to be able to speak in church sometimes.

Two years ago we got a new pastor in the church, who is a very Godly man and has continued to encourage me growing my relationship with God and to continue to speak in church sometimes. In September 2023 I was able to purchase a house for myself, which I am so grateful to God for. I am still single and have been for 5 years. Whilst I have dabbled in a few Christian dating websites, I haven’t had more than a couple of actual dates and they weren’t the right people. I am now 44 years old, my life doesn’t look like what I pictured it would be at this age, but I am learning to be ok with that and trust that God holds my future. When I was baptised I was given a promise: Jeremiah 29 v 11 For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

This is what I am leaning on now. I am excited for what God has in store for my future and part of that is this blog. I hope to be able to support you who are going through your own difficult journey and not only help to point you back to the Saviour who loves you, but also remind myself that no matter what, God loves us and holds our futures in his hands.

Jen